Girl, Afraid
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My most life-changing year to date. Never have I felt so connected to the seasons, the phases of the moon, the sound of my heart. In all its terror and utmost beauty, 2023 was a test of faith. An entire rebirth. I looked around a lot, unsure where I was. Estranged from myself. I found refuge in the rose gardens and steady moments on the planes. Towers in the distance. I looked to ones who lived before, of course. Utterly alone at times, in a smaller room. Becoming closer to myself. Not far from the most incredible of friends. I feel proud of myself and shiny like a clay cup that’s gone through fire, ready to be filled.
I love you. I hope you have overflowing of happiness in 2024 <3
Ana, my mini me, the Enid to my Wednesday, I love you with every pretty word in the world <3 you are pure milk and honey, you are strawberries and freshly baked bread in the middle of May. No other has better understood me, made me feel so appreciated, so loved, so wanted. I would paint your bedroom furniture a thousand times over all over again if you’d like <3 here’s to dance parties, sleepless nights, and sunrises🐮🍓🍯🪿🌞 Happy birthday, my forever little sister :)
And happy birthday to Gavin Bedell (boy) #gavinbedell 👔
There is about a 1/400 trillion chance of being born. Of getting to say you’re made of stardust, seeing the moon, feeling a cold wind on your face, hearing the rain, running your fingers along the veins of a petal, and smelling the scent that lingers. To see and to sing to touch and to taste to hear and to dance and to read and to write and to breathe and to talk and to feel and to be human are all already more precious than any gift I could hope to return despite how ceaselessly I’ll try. And then all this? Not only to be born, but to be born as who I am. To be where I am. To be given all the fortune I have. To experience it with who I experience it with. And for these experiences, these brilliantly intertwined tales, to bring me closer and closer to Christ. May I always serve God with the harvest of His seeds, and may that always be the bare minimum.
I hope you have a lovely Thanksgiving :) I am grateful for you
Gladys, my nanny, retires after 27 years today. Te quiero mucho, Yaye. Con todo mi corazón <3 thank you for the melter muenster cheese and butter pasta with salchichas, for papaya smoothies and fruit salad every day after school. Thank you for letting me play the aux so loud we got matching hearing aids. And most of all, thank you for teaching me how love transcends language💟
Intermission is out now; I never meant to make it. Surely it will serve some purpose beyond what workings it has had on me alone, but those are all I can currently see. And they are already more than I ever imagined.
If it were not for this EP, I think I would still be hiding in some cobwebbed corner waiting for life to fly by. Calling it a secret garden while only ever watering weeds of fear for the sake of a perilous safety.
If you’re wondering what I’ve been up to since screaming, “I’ll never change” at the top of my lungs, I’ll tell you. I went to the Emerald City, I tracked down that person’s number and kept in touch, I called Fiona. We had the coffee. I stopped stopping me.
And, of course, I bought four cups of caterpillars.
A flaw of my adolescence has been extricated by the birth of an art all about it.
But still I think back to the girl who wrote Theodora in 2019, sitting in a coffee shop and reading about the history of Istanbul. And I wonder what she would think of the girl who wrote Chrysalis in April.
It’s funny, really. I bet they’d both be begging the other for advice.
I’ve made a tradition of writing elaborate paragraphs on here every New Years Eve. And I usually make a point of being very loyal to traditions, but this year was built around breaking them. And it was in the best way. I hope you all have a fun and safe midnight and I pray, for both of us, that 2023 is the best year yet <3
The superior silhouette. I am unstoppable when I wear this silhouette. I walk into a room and I try to sit down but I can’t because I’m unstoppable i.e. I’m unable to stop. They got me a treadmill. I’m sweating now. My sides hurt. My feet bleed. But these boots were made for walking. I forge on, slaying with every step. The town crowds. The naysayers bow. Glory reigns. Epic poems are produced and told at bonfires or bedtimes as I walk on for eternity, for beyond, and forever🥱
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